Coming to Terms with My Traumatic Birth Experience

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birth story, traumatic birthI’ll admit, I went into my second pregnancy feeling a little cocky. I’d been there, done that, and got the fun-witted Mom t-shirt.

I didn’t need a birth plan. I had accepted the “things won’t necessarily go your way” mentality because I learned that with my first birth.

Two and a half years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. In preparation, I read all the books I could get my hands on and took all the necessary classes. As most first time mothers, I had fear of the unknown but felt confident and fully prepared to deliver. The only exciting thing that happened during my first delivery was after being induced (darn PUPPS) the contractions come hard and fast without dilating at the same rate, I gave in and opted for the epidural. It was the best decision. The rest of labor was a breeze, and I successfully birthed my baby girl vaginally.

So going into delivering my second, I was ready for those contractions and open to an epidural. I was elated when my water broke on its own and I was able to work from home as my contractions started and gradually got closer and stronger. My parents arrived from out of town just in time for my husband and me to head to the hospital. Things were happening much more to my expectations and I was feeling good.

I was going to own those contractions, I was going to have my baby boy.

Then, things went sideways.

When the rest of my water broke and came rushing out of me, my baby’s heart rate started to drop. The midwife and nurses started to reposition me from one side to the other to all fours. All of which was so awkward on a narrow hospital bed with IVs hooked up to me and fluid rushing out of me. My midwife decided to feel around my cervix, at which point, she felt the cord.

I remember so vividly the moment all of my confidence was thrown out the window. My midwife looks at the nurses and says, “Okay, that’s the cord, I feel the cord.” She then looked at me and says, “That means emergency C-section”.

I imagine I looked like a deer in headlights as I responded with, “seriously?”. Within seconds the nurses were wheeling me out of the room, with the midwife riding along with me on my bed with her hand still in my vagina. Her hand was keeping my baby’s head from putting pressure on the cord.

I was wheeled into the operating room, tears streaming down my face, not quite able to process what exactly was happening but understanding it at the same time. I was desperately searching for my husband, needing his comfort. The nurses and midwife all were trying their best to keep me calm and assuring me everything was okay. The anesthesiologist asked if I’d ever had anesthesia before, which I answered no. I was terrified. They put a gas mask on me and all of a sudden, sleep.

When I came to, I had difficulty opening my eyes. I was still crying somehow, and then the pain hit me. The excruciating pain. I could hear someone asking me to rate my pain, which was a 10 out of 10. Then I felt the needles being inserted into my abdomen. They told me they were doing a block, which is basically an epidural to my abdomen. There wasn’t time for an epidural before my C-section, which is why I was in so much pain.

As soon as I was lucid, I was the surgeon came and assured me she cut below my bikini line. She did this to assure me I could still wear a bikini, which was honestly the least of my worries, but also to assure me I could still give birth naturally if I ever had another child. Which I won’t.

I remember the nurses reminding me that I had a baby boy now and I could see him soon. I remember finally seeing my husband and feeling relieved to see the color had come back into his face. I finally was able to see my son an hour or so later and then was wheeled down to my room.

I spent the next two days in pain and discomfort, trying to make sense of what happened and trying to accept it. Luckily, I was able to go home after spending two nights in the hospital. At home, I made a nest of pillows on the couch while my husband and parents handled all of my responsibilities. I researched and read about what had happened to me and my baby which ended up being a cord prolapse. I realized it was pretty serious and felt justified for feeling what I had been feeling emotionally.

7 weeks postpartum I still feel traumatized. When I recount my experience to my friends and family, they make the same face I feel like I made followed by something along the lines of “oh my goodness, I didn’t realize, that is so scary.”  

I never pictured myself ever being cut open for any reason. I never expected I would need to be put under anesthesia. I never imagined I would need a tube put down my throat to help me breathe. And I never thought my original birth plan or the lack thereof would result in a C-section. I never expected I would give birth via anything but my vagina.  I also never expected to have such a healthy, beautiful baby boy who would latch like a champ.

Presently, he has gained more than 3 pounds on my breastmilk alone. I hoped he would be like his sister, who I thought was the easiest baby in the world. I was scared he would be a no-limit soldier who would keep me up all night. Luckily, he is just as easy if not easier than his sister. As long as he is dry and fed, he is happy. For all of the trauma my body experienced and my emotions endured, I was given an unbelievable gift.

My nurse kindly reminded me of something at my 6-week checkup, which I think is important to remember: “It is okay to grieve for the childbirth you wanted but didn’t get.”

Of course, we should be thankful for our beautiful babies, but it is okay to be disappointed if things didn’t go the way we wanted or expected.


Somer Johnson lives in Ankeny with her husband, Chris, and their two wonderful children; a two and a half-year-old daughter, Lilyon and a 3-month-old son, Gryffin, along with two fur baby Great Danes. She works full time and enjoys experimenting in the kitchen, reading, and photographing the kids or when she has time to herself. As the kids get older she also likes to go on mini adventures around the Des Moines metro with the family.  

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