To the Mom Who Is Afraid of the Man Who Shares Her Bed

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Domestic Abuse Awareness MonthI know you think that you are all alone.

I know you are in a dark, dark place. One that seems hopeless, even though you yourself don’t want to admit that.

I know that there are times when you try your hardest to figure out what just happened, and come up empty. How did an argument over something so insignificant escalate so quickly? You just can’t understand.

I know that you have been called every vile name that a woman can be called, and sometimes you begin to wonder if those words really do describe you.

I know that there are times when you should have called the police, but didn’t, because you wanted to protect the abuser. You didn’t want him to lose his job. What would it do to your family if he was sent to jail? Maybe you did call the police, but nothing really happened and it only made things worse for you. I know.

I know you are trying to wrap your head around why you continue to believe his lie that he’s sorry and that he will never do that again. You know that he will.

I know you want to believe him when he says he’s going to change, he feels like a new man, or he’s turned over a new leaf. Miracles can happen, right? God does answer prayers, right?

I know you are a smart, strong woman, and you struggle with the fact that you have allowed yourself to be duped. You want to reach out and tell someone exactly what is going on, but you’re so deep into it, you feel like you can’t.

I know you feel like a failure because this is not what you envisioned your marriage or relationship to look like, and you have exhausted yourself with endless attempts to fix it.

I know when you were a younger woman and saw domestic violence on TV, or in movies, you thought, I can’t believe she was stupid enough to stay with him after he treated her like that. And you look at your situation now, and you feel so ashamed that you are right there where you said you would never be.

I know you have been living this way for far too long. This means you have been making excuses for him to friends and family so long you are starting to believe them yourself and telling yourself that this treatment is not so bad. Plus, now, who will believe you when you tell the truth?

I know that you fear leaving and all the unknowns that come along with that reality. I know you also fear giving up your hopes and dreams of a future that is not going to happen. But you still wish it would happen, and you cling to that hope as your false security.

I know when you see movies now where women are treated badly, you try to hide your expressions lest anyone will see your face and know what is happening to you behind closed doors.

I know you worry about your children and the environment that they are growing up in. It sometimes keeps you up at night. You are worried that they will grow up and think that this behavior is normal. You worry that your own sweet kids will continue the abuse cycle, but you feel that by staying, at least you have some power to protect them from it.

I know that you know it’s easier to hide your tears and your uncontrollable sobbing in the shower, and that you are probably pretty good at rolling over and crying with absolutely no sound, in hopes that he will think you are sleeping and leave you alone.

You just want to be left alone.

I know you because I was you.

But I have escaped.

I am no longer a victim.

I am a survivor.

I am moving on.

You can, too.

You need to.

You owe it to yourself and to your kids.

Can I tell you what else I know now that I am on the “other side”?

I know that you are not alone. According to PurplePurse.com, one in four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.

One in Four Domestic Violence Awareness

I know that domestic abuse doesn’t always involve physical abuse. Just because he doesn’t hit, kick, or shove doesn’t mean you are not being abused verbally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, or financially.

I know that it took more than one traumatic, near-death experience and that, finally, a gun pointed at me shocked me into the reality of my situation. Although I don’t know if you have ever experienced anything like that, I don’t ever want you to get to that point. Ever. Don’t wait as long as I did.

I know you aren’t any of those names that he has called you. Not a single one.

I know you have many reasons why you are staying longer than you should, and I know that none of them are good reasons. None.

I know that leaving him will be the hardest, bravest, most emotionally draining thing you have ever done in your whole life. But I know you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. And that will become so apparent as you travel along this journey.

I know that you need to surround yourself with positive people who love you through all the ups and downs of what you are going through. Open yourself up. Talk about it. Find a domestic abuse survivor support group or a single moms group — it’s so much easier when you know you are not alone. I do not know what I would have done without my church and my single moms groups.

I know there are a lot of things I would do differently legally to protect my kids. I would advise you not to settle for things you don’t agree to just to get out. If in doubt, just don’t sign. I didn’t realize I had that option. Contact your local domestic violence center for help and ideas to protect yourself when leaving an abusive partner.

I know that just because you get out of the relationship, that doesn’t mean that all the abuse stops. In fact, it may be a very dangerous time for you, so you need to take serious precautions. If you can, seek a protective order. Over time, it does get better, you do feel safer. Trust me.

I know that this is a hard road, too. But this road leads to much better things than the one you were on before.

I know that my kids will eventually see that I stood up for myself, and that is a life lesson that I hope will carry over into their adulthood.

I know that you are a strong, beautiful woman with worth beyond measure. I know God wants you to rest in His love; He wants to pull you to a safe place where you come to this realization.

Please get out of your abusive relationship. Please reach out for help. You will be vulnerable, but you will not regret it. I wish with all my heart I would have left sooner.

Do it today.

If you are reading this in the Des Moines area and need help to get out of your situation, call Iowa’s Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-942-0333, or visit Children & Families of Iowa’s website to check out the services and support groups available for help. If you are not in the Des Moines area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). There are advocates available 24/7 to speak with confidentially and anonymously.

If you are a survivor and want to connect with other single moms and resources available in the metro, visit the Single Parent Provisions website. You don’t have to do this alone. I am proof that there are other women out there just like you. It’s time to stand up for yourself and say enough is enough.

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