Throwing Out the “How To” Books: Embracing My Unique Child

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There seems to be an endless litany of parenting “how to” books, blogs, talks, and pamphlets. These materials encompass a wide variety of topics: sleeping, nursing, potty training, behavior management, communication, etc. Obviously, there is a large market for such information. Parenting is hard work, and unfortunately, children don’t come with an instruction manual. These informative materials often contain tried and tested methods for achieving a specific desired outcome.

Day 27 Short Fiction
texasgurl / Foter / CC BY-NC

I felt ill-equipped for parenting when my first son arrived, so I really wanted to find something or someone who had all the answers for our parenting struggles. Others would say, “Have you tried ABC method? It worked wonders for us.” Or, “Have you read XYZ book? We followed the outlined program and saw amazing results.” But my son was a non-conformist when it came to following the typical trends or development paths. It almost became laughable to us when we were told to expect a certain reaction or outcome after following a set protocol. Our son definitely marches to a different drummer.

An Example

We tried potty training our son several times with no success. I felt that he was ready, but for some reason he wasn’t catching on. Several friends had wonderful success with a strict three-day method. I decided it would be worth one more shot, so I downloaded a short informational packet from the Internet. Once the weekend hit, I followed the program scrupulously. By the end of day three, my son still showed no progress. The pamphlet had stated that the reason so many children are unsuccessful with potty training is a lack of consistency from the parents. At first I thought, “I must be an inconsistent parent or there is something wrong with my son?” I became so frustrated! I decided to take a step back and cool down. I wasn’t doing my son any favors by becoming frustrated with our lack of progress in this area. Eventually, I decided to throw out what all the so-called experts said about potty training and instead to consider my son. What would work for him? What would motivate him? Who cares what works for other people – I needed to find what would work for him. I came up with our own regimen, and within a week of implementing it he was potty trained!

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I share one of our experiences with you because it really made me realize an important aspect of parenting. I think it’s valuable to seek advice or to read books on how to manage certain aspects of parenting, but don’t get hung up if something doesn’t work for your family. Information like this is great for children who follow and respond to typical patterns and treatments, but some kids just don’t follow the “rules.” Even if your child follows the “rules” for one thing, that doesn’t mean s/he will be typical in other areas. Plus, children are always changing. Just when you are sure you have finally figured them out, they surprise you. Even children from the same family can be so different. What works for one child often doesn’t work for another child.

I found my son and I were both less frustrated and more successful when I stopped trying to fit him into neat and tidy 10-step programs for desired outcomes. Now I always try to really consider who he is and tailor things specifically for his unique nature. My son has never been a textbook case for anything. We’ve worked through issues of sleeping, eating, potty training, etc. and found success when we stopped trying to push the latest and best method on him and instead embraced his distinct mold.

I haven’t actually thrown out our how-to books, but I do consider them more as supporting material rather than law. This perspective has freed me up to be the parent I need to be for my son. Sure, it would be easy to just follow a set program for which someone else has already done all the research and work; but I am embracing becoming a more flexible, creative and observant parent with a thriving child. For a while I got off track listening to all the so-called experts instead of listening to the best expert on all things pertaining to my son – ME.

Do you have a child who doesn’t follow the “rules”? How have you helped your child thrive with his or her unique nature?

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Amber Flinn
Amber is a central Iowa native. Amber has been married to her best friend Tommy since 2007. Amber feels she has the best job in the world, being a stay at home mom to her two boys, Miles (August 2009) and Graham (May 2012). On any given day you may find Amber in her pajamas past noon, ignoring a couch piled high with clean laundry and a sticky kitchen floor desperate for a scrubbing. Much of Amber’s joy and fulfillment comes from serving her family. Amber is passionate about advocating for her son Miles and other children with special needs. Amber is currently learning and enjoying what it means to raise a healthy infant with her son Graham. Besides loving on her family, Amber enjoys ethnic foods, nerdy strategy and card games, lazy days, and good books.

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