Remembering Ande Lynn (and Other Babies Gone Too Soon)

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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness: Remembering Ande Lynn (and Other Babies Lost Too Soon)

October 15. This day didn’t always mean something to me. And there was a time when I wished it still didn’t. When the pain was still raw. The memory, fresh. The loss, new.

Six years later, this day—Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day—is a welcome reminder. An excuse to remember the babe I loved and lost way too soon.

We named him—or her—Ande Lynn. The world never knew Ande—nor Ande the world—but I did. Very real and full of meaning was the brief life of this child to me. And how much more did I realize so the moment it ended—or the moment my body knew its end, anyway.

Nobody told me how painful the loss would be. That I would labor and contract and breathe through a process the bloody end of which meant not beautiful birth, but fruitless finality. Or that at the exact moment when the physical pain stopped wracking my body, the emotional pain would start, making its presence known through gut-wrenching sobs even I couldn’t explain.

I sat on the toilet, emptied of all that once meant life, my husband’s face in my lap and my own in my hands, and I wept until my heart felt as empty as my womb.

At once numb and raw, I stood and turned to face the messy truth. But I couldn’t do it—I couldn’t flush. I couldn’t say goodbye before I’d even said hello.

So I dropped to my knees and I did the only thing that made sense in that moment: I dug. I wasn’t sure what to look for, but I needed to find it.

For a long time I lingered, examining the remains, searching for something I could cling to. A morsel of truth. A hint of explanation. A shadow of the life that was—and then wasn’t.

I don’t know if I found it. The recollection of my looking brings tears even now. But I tried. And I held on until I was ready to let go.

I finally flushed, but I didn’t forget. How could I? Why should I.

For many weeks I grieved. Tears and sadness would (and still do) come at the most unexpected of times, and other than the hope I found in God, the only thing that brought comfort was time.

I don’t ache for my baby like I once did, but I will never forget. I won’t forget the life or the loss.

I will remember Ande Lynn not just today, but forever. Tonight, I will join others all around the world as I light a candle in remembrance of babies lost to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or infant death.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness: Remembering Ande Lynn (and Other Babies Lost Too Soon)

Are you remembering a baby—or babies—of your own on this day? May I remember them with you?

Leave a comment with as much or as little as you would like to share. I would love to pray for you today, and to thank God for the life that once was—and still IS… in heaven.

10 COMMENTS

  1. Thank you for sharing, somehow there is a beauty in sharing the pain of others.

    We lost our daughter Két May 3rd 2010 it was open house week at the studio and I didn’t tell anyone, we hadn’t told of the pregnancy so I just kept everything in. It was later learning to share and allow myself to grieve openly that healing started.

    I didn’t want her, that was what made it so hard. I was grieving a child I didn’t want until I couldn’t keep her. Thankfully God used this time and horrible loss to change my idea of children. I saw how valuable each life was and I am sure because of losing Két we are now on a beautiful journey of making our family grow and grow in Gods timing instead of ours.

    Every life is important. No matter how short, no matter if we get to hold our babies. They were real and loved and missed.

  2. Thank you for sharing this Angela. For those of us who have not experienced this pain, it’s beautiful to be able to look into the hearts of those who have and somehow share in your sorrow. Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it has birthed an even deeper empathy in my heart. Love to you!!

    • Marti,

      Thanks for your acknowledgement and empathy. It’s a difficult thing to relate to when you’ve never been through it. I certainly didn’t understand until it happened to me.

      Praising God for your beautiful family!

      Love to you,
      Angela

  3. Thank you for sharing Angela. I remember one of my losses almost exactly as you described. I have 4 babies in heaven – two lost to miscarriage and two lost to ectopic pregnancies. While I still grieve those losses, without them, I know I would not have our four blessings I am raising now. Romans 8:28 – “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”

    • Lisa,

      I know what you mean. I got pregnant with my twins just two months after my miscarriage. I can’t imagine not having them. Their lives will never “replace” Ande’s, but my double blessing was even sweeter on the heels of loss. God’s ways are higher than mine, and I am thankful for His plan.

      I will pray for you today.

      Hugs,
      Angela

  4. It is thirty-six years later, but I know I’ll experience sadness and loss on October 26th, because it happens every year. However, in the midst of my grief I give thanks for the sons I was able to bring into this world. And I know that one day I will meet that other little one in heaven.

    • Janet,

      Don’t we look forward to that day! Nothing has made me long for heaven more than losing a baby, and for that, I am thankful. Thank you for sharing. I will pray for you today.

      Blessings,
      Angela

  5. I remember the loss of my first child as if it had happened yesterday. The date was Feb 28, 1981. I was 4 months pregnant with a baby girl we named Kimberly Eileen. There was no hint of any problems when suddenly I experienced the uncontrollable rush of my water breaking. I went through 4 agonizing hours of labor and delivered a beautiful and perfect little girl that was unable to survive. It was just heartbreaking and my husband and I grieved and cried for days. It wasn’t until we understood the reason why I had a miscarriage so late in my pregnancy that we were able to move on and ultimately deliver a healthy baby boy the following year. It turned out that my blood type was not compatible with my husband’s blood type and that is why my body rejected my daughter. When I became pregnant with my son I was given a dose of Rho Gham and that did the trick. I wish I had God in my life at that time to help me heal because I had so much grief and anger over losing my daughter and I went through such a difficult time. Now, though I think of my daughter with love and know I will see her again.

    • Sally,

      Thank you for sharing your story. Kimberly Eileen… what a beautiful name. And a beautiful story, heart-wrenching as it is, because it ends well. I’m saying a prayer for you tonight, and praising God for his promises.

      Blessings to you,
      Angela

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