Fear.
Anxiety.
Shame.
Those are the top three adjectives I would use to describe how I felt when I lost my job.
We graduate from college with good grades and meaningful internships with the reassurance and belief that we’ve done the proper steps to ensure gainful employment and financial security. But we’ve failed to factor in the ups and downs of the economy or consider that perhaps no one actually cares about a GPA or job experience.
Losing my job is probably the single most confidence shattering thing I’ve encountered so far (even in comparison to becoming a mother).
After I lost my job, I no longer believed in my skills or abilities. Even when I did eventually find a new job, I was terrified of one-on-one conversations with my bosses. Those types of meetings on my Outlook calendar would leave me awake at 1 in the morning with severe anxiety. I was so scared all the time I was going to get fired. If my son woke up sick, I wasn’t worried about his health; I was worried my boss would fire me for an unplanned absence.
I worried about our finances.
I went on unemployment and felt unbelievable shame.
I took really odd, one-off event jobs because we needed the money.
Our budget was strict; money was tight.
It was one of the few times I felt completely grateful for our small house and used cars.
My friends and family prayed for a new job for me, but I found myself avoiding them because I didn’t want someone to ask me for an update on my job search.
I became a hermit. With strangers, I played off my stint at home as “spending more quality time with my son.”
I didn’t go to parties or baby showers where I knew I would have to produce a gift I couldn’t afford.
Losing my job was hard on my family, but harder on myself.
If I’m completely honest, I still bear the effects of that job loss six years later even though I would call myself relatively successful now.
If I can give others one piece of advice, it’s this: You will survive. You will have scars on your heart, but you will get through it. So keep your chin up, smile bravely, and try once again to believe in yourself.
Read more from our It Happened to Me series:
