It hit me this past December that I have officially been a mother for a decade! A DECADE!! How? Well, I know how I got the baby… but how have I survived and THRIVED during this decade of motherhood? I decided to make a list of some lessons that I have clung to through the years. I know I will add to this list as the years go on!

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on motherhood. I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers. These are just some lessons that I have learned from parenting for 10+ years now.

Here are my ten lessons—one for each year of motherhood.

1. Let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no.

Do not waver. When you say something, let that be it. We are human, and we will need to back track and learn as we go. But when it comes to being a parent, if you continually go back and forth on decisions, discipline, routine… your children start to question you, and they do it more often if they think they can get it their way. My default when I am unsure of a decision is to say, “Let me talk to Daddy.” There is always margin to think on a situation or to come back and say, “I’ve thought about it, and….”

2. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.”

(Is anyone else twitching over the double negative in that sentence? No? Just me? Okay. Proceed….) Thumper had a wise mother. This still rings true, and especially with kids. Words can hurt, words can tear down, words can shame. But, they can also lift up, encourage, and bring light to an otherwise dark situation. There are times for corrections and addressing behaviors, but that doesn’t mean calling your kid or her actions stupid. Sometimes I want to scream, “WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?!” This lesson has saved me so many times from later apologizing for overreacting or feeling guilty. Say what you mean, and say it nicely.

3. Have grace. For others, for yourself, for your kids.

Motherhood is hard enough without your own doubts and fears ruling your days! Have grace! We are all doing the best we can to love, protect, and raise these tiny humans. The least we can do is pat ourselves on the back and have grace for those moments when we (or another mom) don’t quite get it right.

4. Learn their love language, and pay attention as it may change over time.

Learning how to best speak/show love to your children is KEY to winning their hearts. You may be thinking that by doing their laundry and helping them clean their rooms that they feel loved. However, their love language may be words of affirmation, and all they’re hearing is, “Well, I just cleaned your room for you, isn’t that enough?” Make the effort to learn what their love language is. This language can and will change as they grow and mature. Listen and be present. You can read more about love languages here: The Five Love Languages: Filling Their Love Tanks.

5. Be available.

For us, the 15 minutes before “lights out” are very popular! I don’t know if they are just trying to go to bed that much later or what…. I like to think that’s when they decompress about their day and they are able to let it all out. It has (recently) become even more important to me with my firstborn. She is able to unload and spend some time with me, as all of her siblings are already tucked in. I would encourage you to find that time that your kid is most chatty, and be available for them.

6. The Three E’s: Encourage, Empower, Enlighten

Encourage: give support, confidence or hope to someone
Empower: give someone the authority or power to do something
Enlighten: to give intellectual or spiritual light to; instruct; impart knowledge to

I think these three speak for themselves. When we encourage our kids, they feel empowered to take on more—which brings them back to ask for our advice or help, that we may enlighten them.

7. Ask questions.

Ask your kids about what’s going on in their lives. I read a post one time (wish I could remember it to reference it!) that encouraged parents to ask specific questions. Not just, “Hey, how was your day?” If your kids are anything like mine, you will always get, “Good.” I have noticed that when I ask about specific people, or a subject they were nervous about, or maybe a test they had that day, they tend to divulge more information. Maybe it’s because I seem more engaged in their lives and TRULY want to know, so they engage more with me and tell me. Also, ask other parents, teachers, etc. questions about your kids!

8. Watch their movies, read their books, play their games.

Be present. Be involved. If nothing else, then you will have something to talk about with them. Form a book club with your oldest(s). Read, discuss, laugh, learn. I have never laughed harder in my life with my kids than when I am playing a game that THEY chose and they understand and enjoy. One of the greatest things about being a parent, in my opinion, is having an excuse to (sometimes) act like a kid again.

9. Get acquainted.

…with their friends, their friends’ parents, their teachers, their principal, their care providers. These are the people that spend equal, sometimes more, time with your kids as you do. Get to know them. What are they all about? Whether you like it or not, they will rub off on your child.

10. And lastly, stop complaining. Choose joy.