Passionate About Des Moines
and the Moms Who Live Here

Wife, Mom, and Missing Something: Will You Be My BFF?

Let me start off by saying, I am surrounded by amazing women in my life who I know would do anything they could to help me out if I asked. Women who I know pray for my family when they say they will and who enjoy spending time together. But there seems to be something missing now that I’m a wife, mom, and thirty-something—something that has always been such an incredible joy to have…

…best friends.

In high school I had the sweetest friends. We shared our lunches, sat next to each other on the bus to show choir events, and coordinated our graduation open houses so that we could all be at each other’s. One of my closest high school friends became my college roommate and a bridesmaid in my wedding. We stay in touch and get together when she is back in town.

In college, there were five of us that were inseparable and lived life together for three and a half years. We ate dinner together, traveled together, shopped together, cried together, prayed together, laughed together, and even lived together. We shared a room, clothes, and our deepest secrets and dreams. We KNEW each other well. We knew what the others struggled with, when they just needed to get out, what their favorite foods and shows were, and when to step back and just listen. I knew that I could call them at any moment’s notice, and they would be there to help, or sometimes they were there before I even knew I needed help!

In chiropractic school, I was blessed again with great friends and roommates. We studied together, stressed about school and exams together, and also traveled together and stood up in weddings together.

Wife, Mom, and Missing Something: Will You Be My BFF?

Those are all moments and friendships I treasure. I will love each of those girls and be grateful for who they are and what they have meant to me forever. But, I miss them.

I miss my phone ringing and a voice on the other end just checking to see how I’m doing or calling just to chat. I miss the spontaneous invitations to just go grab lunch, or the friend I didn’t hesitate to call to see if she would go clothes shopping with me. I miss the late night deep discussions over ice cream and snacks, and the girls’ trips we used to make a priority and get so excited for.

I miss having best friends.

I find myself wondering if women and moms at my stage in life find themselves longing for the same things. Or maybe this is just the way life is now. I adore my husband and love the trips we take and the time we spend together. And I wouldn’t trade my role as a mom and the time I spend with my kiddos for anything. Maybe, just maybe, this season doesn’t allow for best friends.

But, I see moms weekly in my office, with wonderful husbands and kids, who are lonely. They are longing for something with meaning to pursue outside of the home, most likely to help them to be the best wife and mother possible. They, too, seem to be longing for those deep friendships. And I hear others speak about the amazing nights out with their friends or girls’ weekends they have been on that were so fun and refreshing.

Wife, Mom, and Missing Something: Will You Be My BFF?

Some of this seems silly to write down, as I recognize I have been blessed to call some wonderful women my friends. They are incredible friends and show up when I need them. They come to my kids’ birthday parties, shoot texts asking how I am doing, and know the general premise of what my current life entails. And for that, I am so grateful and fulfilled—most of the time.

Sometimes—just sometimes—I long for the spontaneity of a girlfriend just showing up at the door with treats because she had asked how I was doing that morning and knew I was having a hard day. Or I wish to be on the receiving end of dinner invites and other fun outings.

But today, I take comfort in knowing that I am loved deeply and unconditionally by my God, adored by my husband (most days), and appreciated by my kiddos (again, most days). I have a support system to lean on, and an incredible one at that. I don’t have that one, amazing best friend. But maybe that’s okay.

I want to know, do you have a best friend? Will you be my friend?

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22 Responses to Wife, Mom, and Missing Something: Will You Be My BFF?

  1. Ashley March 30, 2015 at 12:42 pm #

    I don’t have a best friend and haven’t had one in a very long time. I miss it so much and I know I have great friends but none are the random text to see how I am or what’s going on. It is lonely at times, I joke with my husband that even through I am constantly surrounded by people and kids I just feel alone at times. I would gladly be your friend 😉

  2. Anne March 30, 2015 at 12:50 pm #

    oh my goodness you took my feelings and wrote them on paper. I too miss having a best friend. We moved to Des Moines last July. Being a stay at home mom, as fulfilling as it is, is the loneliest job. I miss having that go to girl, the one who would come over whenever to have coffee, or a glass of wine just because. I remember reading something somewhere about how they need a match.com for moms who need girl friends. I would sign up in a second to find that bestie. Thanks for writing. It’s so nice to know I am not alone.

  3. Erin March 30, 2015 at 12:57 pm #

    Oh I could have written this!! My life is the same, great friends through childhood and high school, different friends in college and new friends in law school. Time and geography has separated us, and within the last year my two best friends moved to Arizona and Colorado. I love my husband and my two year old twins to death–but I miss having a close female friend here. It’s a huge void in my life and something I think about all too often! Having children, while wonderful, has made it that much harder to connect with people I think. My next friend has to be a mom or she just won’t get my life now! Wine date?? 🙂

  4. Suzy Karadsheh March 30, 2015 at 1:07 pm #

    Tammy, just last night I was contemplating the same issue. It is much harder to have close friends, let alone best friends, in your thirties. It doesn’t help to have moved so many times. I completely relate to what you said here. hugs.

  5. Alison March 30, 2015 at 1:53 pm #

    This article is so “spot on” with my life right now. I am 35 with three children under the age of 5. In the last few months, I have had a lot of reflection on friendships and how different they have become. I love spending time with my husband and children, but that closeness I felt with girlfriends in the past is lacking and I miss it.

  6. Kristen March 30, 2015 at 2:32 pm #

    I could have written these exact words (if I was a writer). I moved away from where I’ve lived my whole life and from all my family to des Moines about six months ago. I’ve met many acquaintances and very nice people but struggle to find someone I can go deeper and be real with.

  7. Melissa March 30, 2015 at 2:34 pm #

    I’ll be your friend!

  8. Tracy B March 30, 2015 at 3:52 pm #

    I too have been feeling the exact same way and I’m 50. My hubby works odd shifts, I’m an empty-nester with girlfriends who still have kids. When my hubby is at work, my friend’s hubbies are at home. It gets very lonely and I don’t know how to fix it. I have friends, good friends, but don’t have that one person (other than hubby) that knows me like the back of their hand. That person who is “my person”…. I’ve been wanting to write about it on my blog, but I’m fearful I’ll hurt feelings. Or even worse, be pitied! Is this the way it’s supposed to be?

  9. Joanna March 30, 2015 at 4:49 pm #

    Yes. I’m in my 40’s and haven’t had a real close friend since my early 20’s when my older kids were babies. I have found out a lot of women in the church are lonely. Everyone else thinks the other moms are so busy with their friends and that they are the only ones that are lonely. I think most of us are. I think we need to make time to get together when the kids are at school or in the evening when the husband can tackle the homework.

  10. Marti March 30, 2015 at 4:52 pm #

    I don’t think you’re alone by any means judging by the # of times this post has been shared on Facebook alone! I think we live in a world where we’re increasingly relying on “digital” relationships to replace the face to face time God truly designed us for. It’s definitely a harder phase of life to have a girlfriend BFF. Thanks for sharing!!

  11. Jennifer Thompson March 30, 2015 at 6:40 pm #

    Tammy,
    This is great! I can completely relate to what you are saying in this article. It is a struggle for sure! And comforting to know that there are other women out there with the same thoughts and desires for friends. Call me, let’s have lunch! <3

  12. Naphtali March 30, 2015 at 8:27 pm #

    I agree too! It’s hard to even find the time.

  13. Christy McCollough
    Christy McCollough March 31, 2015 at 1:46 am #

    ^^^ditto to what Marti said! “Keeping in touch” via Facebook or text is replacing those precious phone calls or drop-ins, and we are all in danger of losing those real face-to-face friendships. I think that mothering “littles” is the hardest stage in life to maintain close friendships, b/c so often I feel tied to my home. Especially while nursing an infant…getting out and about with friends is next to impossible right now! I also find myself putting my kids first and my friends second, right or wrong, that’s just how I do it. Maybe my friendships have suffered because of that? Holding on to the hope that my relationships with other women will deepen as my kids get older and don’t need me quite so desperately and quite so often. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your heart, I think it resonated with a LOT of us!

  14. Christina March 31, 2015 at 3:19 am #

    It’s hard in your 30s AND in your 40s 🙂 Relationships evolve and that can be hard and has been for me that is certain. I hope, no I know , that there are women I can call when I REALLY need something but the impulsiveness of it all is gone and I miss that. I also wonder sometimes how others our age do, in fact, seem to still have a “BFF”. I get jealous of that. There, I said it.

    Know that you are so special and that for me, you rank right up there…
    Love you!

  15. Jennifer
    Jennifer March 31, 2015 at 3:50 am #

    My thoughts, exactly! Thanks for the post today, Tammy.

  16. Alicia R. March 31, 2015 at 10:26 pm #

    I’m not a mother, but I am a wife, and even I feel this. Most of my friends from my 20’s are wives and mothers now. I too, miss having best friends. Maybe it just comes with this stge in life as you said? I don’t know, but I often feel lonely, too.

  17. Debbie Arringdale April 1, 2015 at 5:12 pm #

    I totally hear you. It started getting hard once I hit my 30’s. I’m happy in all the areas of my life expect making deep new friendships with moms (or hey, at least one mom, that’s all I’m asking for 😉 ) in my community. It’s soooo hard. With the start of new sport seasons for my kids, I’m excited to see if there are any moms on the team I can relate with and see myself building a friendship. So far I haven’t had a ton of success. 😉 I also wanted to say way to go on putting your feelings out there and writing on this topic. I love the awareness that I’m seeing pop up on the internet recently. Maybe it will make us moms try a little harder with one another to become friends. – Debbie

  18. Jessi April 2, 2015 at 5:48 pm #

    I can totally relate to this. I have great friends from HS and college that I treasure but we don’t live in the same cities anymore and things are completely different. I miss having those “easy” relationships – now it takes so much WORK to keep friendships going from afar with all the demands of being a wife and mother. I do have best friend (my cousin) that I call/text nearly everyday — now if only I could get her to move a little closer. 🙂

  19. Megann April 2, 2015 at 8:11 pm #

    thank you for this article- I thought I was the only one who felt this way- and thought I was the only one who didn’t have a best friend.

  20. Jessica April 10, 2015 at 1:25 am #

    I feel the same way. Between working midshifts @ work, taking care of my 2 lil ones (5 yrs & 3 yrs)old I don’t have time to hang out with friends. I don’t feel connected to people as I once did and when I do hang out I really don’t have anything to talk about other than my life as a mom. I sometimes think I’ve become this boring out of touch person. Would be very nice to find other mom friends tho

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