This is the final post in my three-part series on how you can help grieving moms. This final post deals specifically with practical ideas for helping. Catch up on my series by reading Part 1 and Part 2.
Be in Charge
Several close friends managed certain responsibilities for our family when my son was in the midst of his critical health battle. One friend arranged meals for us. Another friend scheduled people to do our household tasks/chores including errands, cleaning, yard work, etc. If someone offered to help our family in a practical way, I directed them to one of these two ladies. I did not have to worry about organizing any help with the work of these two ladies. In addition, a third friend was my “communication manager”. When our son was in the NICU, cell phones were required to be off so the medical equipment could operate properly. Since I spent as much time as possible by my son’s bedside, my phone was turned off for most of the day. However, I did call my “communication manager” with daily updates. I would giver her the latest update and she would relay any questions or pertinent information from concerned friends. After our talks, my “communication manager” would inform friends and family of our latest news. I did not always feel comfortable posting every update about my son to Facebook or our personal blog, so I appreciated having someone share news with those whom I wanted to be in-the-know.
I loved having several friends oversee different areas of life for me. I realize that some might not like giving control over to others, but I was so busy managing my son’s care that I lacked sufficient time to manage certain needs of our family. Help from friends enabled me to spend more time ministering to my son. Families in crisis need help, but organizing the help can be a lot of work for those families in the midst of their struggle. If you are a trusted friend of a mom in crisis, you might consider managing an area of need in her life. Consider being in charge of an area for her so she is better able to care for herself and her family.
Give Options
Many people offered help to our family during the past few years as we confronted different challenges. Initially friends helped organize all the offers of help, but they gradually transitioned out of those roles. As others continued to offer help, it became difficult for me to manage all the proposals. Many people offered vague support, “Whatever I can do to help, please just let me know.” I knew I really needed the help, but often I was so exhausted and distracted it was hard to give an adequate answer. When I could think well enough, I felt awkward suggesting ideas for helping. I did not know what others felt comfortable helping with or their availability. Sometimes I did not take advantage of offers because of these reasons. I found it easier for all parties involved when someone would offer options and a time frame.
“I would love to help you. I can do your laundry, clean your house, or make you a meal early next week. What would be the most helpful for you?”
When someone offered options and a time, I didn’t need to figure out the how and when for all the various help proposals. Instead, I could pick from the given options what would be the most helpful for our family. Options meant less hassle, thinking, and organizing for me. Options lessen the stress of the mom in need of help. Giving options and a time frame takes all the guesswork out of how and when you are able to help. The less a mom in need is managing help, the more she can attend to what really matters.
Be Invested for the Long Haul
Often there is a misconception when a patient is discharged from the hospital that they must be healthy. Wrong, so very wrong. Things only worsened when we brought our son home. He was stable when we left the NICU, but his health deteriorated once home. It was much harder to get the medical help we needed after we left the hospital. Because our son’s health became so fragile, we rarely left our home. Since we were not able to regularly interact with others, many people assumed our son was healthy and recovering because they knew he was no longer in the hospital. While we received amazing support in the hospital, we did not always have the support we needed once our son was home. Hard days turned into hard months, and hard months turned into hard years. Without the continual support of hospital staff and help from friends, it became impossible for us to rest and adequately care for our son.
If the initial, worst phase of a friend’s crisis or grieving time is over, don’t assume that everything is better. As hard times wear on, someone may need your help more than before, even if the situation is not as critical or intense as it was initially. Everyone wants to help in the beginning. Frequently there is an imbalance of help, with an overabundance of aid in the beginning and a drought in the middle and end. Challenging environments or situations over a prolonged time will take a toll on even the most resilient of moms. Although the worst may be over, fatigue and discouragement began to appear after the acuteness of a trial is past. Consider helping your mom friend(s) for the long haul. Let your friend know you are available for help at all times, but consider offering even more support once the initial wave of help has faded. In the beginning of a crisis, support can almost be overwhelming, but there will come a day when that support starts to lessen. As your grieving friend gathers herself after the initial blow, she is still very much in need.
I am eternally grateful for the moms, friends, and family members who helped me during my time of need. I would not have survived with you!
I feel like now that I am out of the “baby” stage with my boys I am more able lend a helping hand to friends. Love you friend! Thanks for sharing from your heart and experience.