It’s pretty bad when you start annoying yourself. Maybe my annoyance stems from this year’s long, harsh winter. Or maybe two young rowdy boys who only want to wrestle, run, or act as wild animals ransacking the house and interrupting my quiet thoughts one too many times are to blame. Perhaps, it’s just that I haven’t been very patient lately and want a quick fix. Whatever the reason, I have found myself constantly exclaiming, “No!” to my boys. Even when I don’t use “No”, I employ some other form of negative scolding: “Stop that!” “Don’t touch!” “Put that down!” I’m frustrated and annoyed by my constant “No”s and scolding.
Despite my efforts, all my negative reprimanding accomplishes almost nothing – nothing that I want, anyway. It comes as no surprise that my one-year-old now emphatically exclaims, “No! Stop!” a hundred times a day. Used too frequently, my “No”s and scolding have become quite ineffective, falling on seemingly deaf ears. I’ve found that both parties are easily frustrated when I am quick to scold instead of instruct. My goal is to leave this negative communication rut and focus on more positive and effective instruction with my children.
Tell Them What to DO
My first instinct is usually to scold instead of to instruct. It is easy to focus on what we don’t want our children to do, instead of on what we want them to do. Children don’t automatically know the proper actions and responses. If your child is frustrating other children at the park by climbing up the slide, try saying, “Go up the stairs and then down the slide,” instead of just saying, “Don’t climb up the slide.” Your child will then know what is expected of him/her. When giving young ones instructions on how to behave, remember to use short, simple phrases they will understand. Try to give your commands using positive phrases. Toddlers are more likely to obey positive commands than negative ones.
Explain Feelings
Instructing children is a good opportunity to begin cultivating empathy. If your child is harshly pulling on an animal’s tail, you can say, “Pulling on puppy’s tail hurts him. Ouch. Poor puppy.” Then show your toddler how to appropriately interact with animals through gentle petting. Although young children can’t express or understand empathy well, it’s not too early to explain that their actions affect others. As children grow, knowing how their actions affect others may help them think first before acting.
Give Them a Choice
Kids love choices. It gives them some power and responsibility in the situation while you as the parent can still exercise control. I don’t let my boys throw balls upstairs. If they feel like throwing balls I don’t have to say, “No.” I can offer them a choice. “Let’s go down to the toy room and throw balls or we can roll the balls upstairs.”
Treat Them with Respect
Young children need to be taught how to control their emotions and desires so they can express them in a healthy way. They have emotions and desires just like us, but they don’t yet have all the tools or capabilities to express them properly. Small children naturally whine as a way of expressing their emotions or desires. Instead of saying, “Stop whining!” try, “I don’t understand you when you whine. Please use your normal voice so I can help.” Children want to be treated with kindness and respect just like adults. When you take the time to help them understand instead of only reprimanding, you are equipping them and demonstrating respect.
Saying No to “No”
Saying “No” or using negative scolding is an easy, quick form of discipline, but the results don’t last. There is an appropriate time and place for “No.” But, overuse of the word “No” can cause kids to ignore it when it is used. Make sure you really mean it and need to say it when you do use it. Consider some ways you can replace negative scolding with positive instruction. It’s easy to forget that small children don’t always know how to properly respond or act. They need to be instructed. Given the right tools and opportunities, children are more likely to act in an agreeable manner and feel respected.
With my youngest taking something from her is impossible. She explodes in frustration (she is at that stage of being able to kind of understand while not being able to communicate but is completely mobile. the dangerous age!!). So if I need to take something from her, I always say thank you along with explaining why she can’t have it.
love these ideas!! we tried super hard to say ‘no thank you’ in a high positive voice or redirect without saying ‘no’ yet she still learned no and used it!! thanks for the great ideas!