My journey to motherhood was never one I dreamed about as a little girl. I certainly never had the heart to become a stay-at-home mom, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted children of my own. In fact, I was pretty immature and selfish with what I wanted in life, and at the forefront was a successful career, independence, and superficial happiness. I wanted to LOVE someone because it made me happy, not because I was willing to sacrifice for another person.
Then it happened. I got married, experienced some trials in my life, and thought expanding our family would help restore love and happiness. It most certainly DID, but not on the timeline I thought it would.
I had an almost perfect pregnancy until month six. I was put on bed rest for two weeks, and now 30 weeks pregnant, my husband and I were in the waiting room anxiously waiting for our results on how much amniotic fluid I had left. I remember my heart pounding in my chest and the feeling of heat radiating my whole body in a panic. How could this happen to me and my family? Haven’t we suffered enough in the last year?
Then my doctor came out. “Your baby’s heart rate has dropped too low and will not survive the night without an emergency C-section.”
The rest is a hectic blur, but thanks to God’s love and mercy, we delivered a 2.0 lb baby boy.
My Journey Begins…
That day, August 13, 2010, is when my journey as a mom began. I was completely lost and would have to make decisions on areas of life that would affect my son for years. Anger surfaced and the happiness was replaced with worry and panic for years to follow. Thankfully, God had a plan that would change my life for the better and allow me to experience a whole different kind of love. I would experience a love that would cause me to lose my previous life, to save it for one so much better. God’s agape love.
God’s love, Agape love (Greek word for the ultimate kind of love that is the most self-sacrificing love there is). A love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, A LOVE that never fails (1 Corinthians 13:7).
Everything I thought I loved before and had put first in my life soon became a distant memory in my heart and mind. The woman who once cared so much about career, independence, image, and self-control was buried. A humbled, lost, scared woman was born with a new purpose.
My purpose was to be a mother, which still was not a natural role for me. Maybe because of postpartum, maybe because of the trauma and events in my life that had hardened my heart prior to and through pregnancy, but either way, I not only had the role of a mother to a special needs little boy but also one of a caretaker, nurse, therapist, chef, and teacher, among others, and with no clue how to do it. A two-month stay in the NICU was filled with more downs than ups, and the future for our son was unknown from every standpoint. Except that he was given life; and I realized again at that point that life is a blessing none of us are entitled to. It is a pure gift of love from God in every aspect.
A Heart Forever Changed…
It took the journey I was given to change me from an “unnatural mother” who was superficial in so many ways and to open my heart to see and experience life completely different. I still don’t have it down and never will, but I try to appreciate each day. What I have learned is life is not fair, but we are given the ability to choose how we live each day. We can get caught up in the negative and worldly life, or we can choose to renew our minds and keep our hearts focused on what is good and be thankful for each day. My heart change is from my hope and faith that “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). We can’t expect to see it here on this earth, but faith to know we are fulfilling our purpose.
Five Years Later…
I have a child who beat out so many odds and who has helped me see and experience joy and true love in so many ways. I am a stay-at-home mom who takes one day at a time caring for my autistic son. A life I never dreamed of or wanted, but I am so thankful for it. It’s tough for sure, and being a mom is for no sissy, but my little miracle has strengthened my relationship with God, made our marriage truly one of sacrifice and love, and brought a whole new meaning to why we are here in this short-term life.
To the mom who is having a rough day or at the lowest point of your journey, please know you are truly LOVED and have a purpose far greater than your own understanding. You were created perfectly and have the tools, wisdom, and strength to mother your children in the very way they need it. It just might not be on the timeline you may have, but stay strong and fight the fight and know you can do it!