Passionate About Des Moines
and the Moms Who Live Here

Miscarriage: The Bad and the Better

Five years ago, I joined a camp of mothers that I had assumed I’d never join. It was a camp that many of my friends—even my sister and my own mom—were already in, yet I had understood it little because I hadn’t been there… until I was there….

Miscarriage.

It had been a subject I didn’t want to touch. Women close to me had suffered it, some of them more than once, but I had kept myself distanced—not because I didn’t care but because I didn’t understand.

I had no idea what miscarriage is like until it happened to me.

Miscarriage is more than disappointment. It’s more than bleeding when there should be no blood. I found that out at the instant it physically happened to me.

Three weeks I had waited, knowing intellectually that my miscarriage was pending; but not until it physically happened did my heart and my body realize the loss that had until that moment been mere head knowledge. Gut-wrenching, body-racking sobs instantaneously and involuntarily issued forth from me in a manner that evidenced not a mental grief but a deeply physical one.

For weeks my heart grieved in a way that even I couldn’t fully understand. I knew only that my loss was real—maybe not to anyone else, but certainly to me.

***

A few months later, my heart still tender from the pain of miscarriage, a feeling of dread overtook me. I was eight weeks into another pregnancy, and I was spotting….

The nurse had said I could come in for an ultrasound to make sure everything looked okay, and I was relieved that she would care to allay my fears. My scheduled appointment wasn’t for another week, and I didn’t want to have to worry for that long.

I laid my anxious self down on the ultrasound table, halfway expecting to see on the screen that same empty black spot which was still so fresh in my memory. But what I saw was nothing like that.

What I saw was two black spots, neither of them empty.

Ultrasound 11-07-08 Twins

Nothing was wrong at all. In fact, everything was perfectly right. I was having twins.

I had gone in prepared for a repeat of bad news and was leaving awed at the revelation of doubly good news… news that, on the heels of a miscarriage, was even sweeter.

It wasn’t that another baby—or even two babies—could ever “replace” the little life I had loved and lost just a few months prior; but the double filling of a womb emptied too soon was like soothing salve to an aching wound.

To this day, I look at my twin daughters and shake my head in amazement that such a blessing could possibly be mine. Any child is a gift, to be sure; but there is something about having twins that is indescribably special.

And to think that this joy could not have been mine unless the pain of miscarriage had also been mine leaves me in a state of wordless wonder and humbled gratitude.

Not a summer goes by that I don’t remember the events surrounding my loss nor a January that I don’t think about a due date that once was. I shall not ever forget something… someone… of such significance.

But time goes on and brings healing with it. Miscarriage was dreadfully real and deeply painful; but five years down the road, I can say that I wouldn’t have it any other way. After all,

…I wouldn’t trade these two for anything.

Twins

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10 Responses to Miscarriage: The Bad and the Better

  1. Bekah Riker June 18, 2013 at 8:14 am #

    Brought me to tears Angela. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Mary June 18, 2013 at 9:25 am #

    Thanks, Angela. Just over a month ago I went through a miscarriage and now I’m a part of that “club.” Now I’m on the list for understanding. I don’t know what is worse. The physical or emotional part. Both are hard.

    • Angela Squires
      Angela Squires June 18, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

      I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to go through this, Mary. It’s definitely not a club that we “want” to be in, is it. May the Lord comfort your heart during this time of grief and healing.

      Praying for you,
      Angela

  3. Shelby June 18, 2013 at 9:31 am #

    I know that feeling exactly! After 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy, I bawled at the positive result on my home pregnancy test. My heart couldn’t handle another loss. So when I climbed onto the ultrasound table at 6 weeks for my early check, and the tech told me there were two sacs, my jaw dropped and my heart leapt. Now my sweet babies are 8 months old, and their brother is 3 1/2. And on my arm I wear a tattoo of three little birds, representative of the three sweet blessings in my arms, and the three tiny souls I never got to hold, but love so deeply. Its scary and hard to talk about miscarriage. Thank you for being brave.

    • Angela Squires
      Angela Squires June 18, 2013 at 11:21 pm #

      Beautifully said, Shelby. I can tell that we understand each other well. 🙂 You’re right–it IS scary and hard to talk about miscarriage, mostly, I think, because it’s such a hard thing to understand. Thank you for sharing about your sweet babies… all six of them. 🙂

      Blessings to you and your family,
      Angela

  4. Becky
    Becky June 18, 2013 at 2:20 pm #

    Thank you for sharing about this. There are few who know that I’m in the club. I sometimes wish I shared with more friends about it, because so many have been through it as well.

    • Angela Squires
      Angela Squires June 18, 2013 at 11:33 pm #

      Yes, I was surprised by how many women came to me in support, admitting that they, too, had experienced miscarriage. It was really nice to be able to identify some friends who could understand what I was feeling, and the love and support they showed me was such an encouragement. Thanks for commenting, Becky. I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing here.

      Blessings,
      Angela

  5. Jackie
    Jackie June 18, 2013 at 2:58 pm #

    My heart goes out to you and everyone who has suffered the loss of a child. So beautifully written…thanks for sharing such an emotional and personal experience

  6. Jodi June 19, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

    Thanks for sharing. We had a miscarriage before my first born. It happened the Friday night of labor day weekend and right before my “golden” birthday. A wonderful woman in our church who told me I was now in the club (she had a miscarriage herself) she then spoke these amazing words to me “you will have another child about a year from now”. And I did Isaiah was born September 17! Our babies are playing in heaven. Can’t wait to meet him/her someday.

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