Author’s Note: This will be my last regular post at Des Moines Moms Blog. I’m excited to pass the torch on to some other deserving and talented writers. I will still be stopping in every now and then as a guest contributor, so I look forward to catching up with all of you then. In the meantime, I would love if you would follow along with me at my personal blog, Happy Where I Stand, and on Instagram.
I’m writing this post wrapped up in my favorite blanket with a cup of coffee while my Christmas lights twinkle around me. Doesn’t this sound like a picture perfect way to spend a gloomy Sunday? I think so, too. The problem is that my two-year-old thinks the perfect way to spend a Sunday is to find the only marker that I somehow missed in my previous get-rid-of-all-the-markers-so-Charlie-does-not-destroy-my-house walk-through and covered his whole entire body with it. But why stop there? He also thought this would be the perfect opportunity to color each and every stair up from the basement in the radiant pink color he found. And, it seems as though he was hungry because his teeth were full of pieces of crayons that he was eating.
This, my friends, is life with a two-year-old.
This is not my first two-year-old rodeo, but it is my first rodeo with this particular two-year-old who seems to be really, really good at being two years old, if you are catching what I’m saying. From my experience, I’m pretty sure there is a two-year-old instruction manual out there that gives instructions for all the crazy, wild, naughty, and just plain hilarious stuff you must do if you are two… otherwise, how in the world can you explain two-year-old behavior?!?
I’m guessing the manual reads something like this:
- Finger paint, but instead of using paper use a piece of carpet as your canvas.
- Dump out every single puzzle you own and then mix all the pieces together.
- Use markers and crayons on anything but a coloring book. Hint: Your mom will be super happy if you color her whole table in marker.
- Use the holidays to your advantage and see how many ornaments you can break.
See if your parents can memorize the number to Poison Control.
Ingest (or at least make it look like you ingested) as many potentially dangerous items as possible, but only enough to make your parents freak out. Your mom will most likely call the Poison Control Center. See if you can set a record for the number of times your parents have to do this in one year.
Never let them anticipate your next move.
They will probably never expect you to lock them out of the house, so this is a really great trick to save for a time you really need it. Hand soap is your friend. It works perfectly pumped into the toilet or as a special treat for your dog in his water dish. Another great trick is to run away in a public place and try and hide so they can’t find you. You want to see panic? Try it.
Make sure you balance out all the above with some really cute, funny, and sweet moments.
This is key to making sure you drive your parents really crazy, but not too crazy. Make sure you have lots of funny lines to say at just the right moment. Save those really cute dance moves for right after you do something that you shouldn’t. Hugs and kisses will always be your secret weapon that will immediately undo anything awful that you did and make your parents melt.
Never disclose our biggest secret.
Never ever tell your parents that we save all the best material until we are three….