I Don’t Want Another Baby….And That Makes Me Feel Guilty

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pregnancy don't want another baby

I’m 44 years old and my tubes are tied. You’d think those two factors alone would put an end to any pregnancy anxiety I might have. But they don’t.

On a monthly basis, I find myself crossing my fingers that I’m not pregnant. If I’m even a day late with my period, I start praying to God, the Author of Life, that He would NOT give me new life, which is the height of irony.

As I’m entering menopause and my periods are more irregular, the pregnancy panic occurs more often. Each time this happens, instead of assuming I’m not pregnant (hello, age + tubal ligation), I’m definitively sure I am and start Googling, “What’s the likelihood of getting pregnant after a tubal ligation?” (Hint: it’s anywhere from 1:200 to 1:1,000. Thanks, internet.) Immediately, I begin playing out pregnancy scenarios in my mind, straining my brain to compute how old I’ll be when this new child graduates from high school.

That said, I resigned myself long ago that if I were to get pregnant, I would trust it was 100% God’s will and embrace that reality as a miracle. I would delight in being pregnant again and have absolute confidence that God wanted us to have another member of our family.

But resolving to trust in that possibility is not the same as wanting it to happen. In fact, I really hope it doesn’t.

And that makes me feel guilty.

I feel guilty because women around the world and as close as my own family are praying the exact opposite. They’re crying out desperate prayers to God hoping their bodies will produce new life, while I’m praying mine won’t. Our contrary prayers cross one another in the wind. While I experience relief in getting my period, they experience devastation.

And this crushes me. It seems so unfair. Why can’t every woman who desperately wants a baby have one?

And what should I do about my guilty feelings?

After all, part of my rationale for not having another baby stems from the two, high-risk pregnancies I already had. In fact, my obstetrician was the one who recommended the tubal ligation to avoid future risk to my own life.

But, if I’m honest, I also don’t want to become pregnant because of the stage of life I’m in. Our youngest child is 10 ½ years old. We’re well-past middle-of-the-night feedings, diapers, and tummy time. We’ve already worked our way through solid food, potty training, and the tying of shoes. We’re wrapping up elementary school and have a kid starting high school next year.

It’s hard to imagine going back and starting all over again. While I enjoyed itty-bitty babies, curious toddlers, and hilarious pre-teens, I absolutely love the season of life we’re in with our kids, and I look forward to our nest emptying out sooner than later.

So, what to do?

For now, I try to approach each month prayerfully and humbly. I offer my own future into God’s trustworthy hands and I promise those hopeful, but not-yet-pregnant mamas to pray my most earnest, faith-filled, consistent prayers for them.

Because while it’s not in my hands to determine who brings life or when, it is my honor and privilege to walk alongside amazing women through whatever season they’re in. We share it together. And in that, God turns guilt to grace, fear to faith, and hurt to hope.

2 COMMENTS

  1. I’m sorry you’re struggling with guilt, with what I can only imagine is a normal desire to not be pregnant at your age and stage of life.

    I have zero kids. The day before my 35th birthday, I had a permanent birth control procedure because my husband and I knew for a fact that we did not want kids. I didn’t feel guilty for liking the life we had, nor for not wanting ANY children. The pressure I felt was ALL external – from my dad to my mother-in-law to anyone who asked “How long have you been married? Do you have kids?”

    God has His own plans that we don’t comprehend – and I have several close friends who struggle with infertility, one of whom has stopped all treatment and is heartbroken about it. But me having a baby wouldn’t make them feel better about their kid situation.

    I’ve been married 20 years now. When we got married, we assumed kids would be in our future – I think mostly because that’s what everyone tells you and expects of you “When are you going to have a baby?” “You’re baby is X years old, are you going to have another?” My husband and I came to the kid-free life choice independently – and when we DID talk about it (um, we’re in our 30’s – if we want to have kids, we need to start doing something about it) – we both knew kid-free was what was best for us.

    New people still ask if we have kids – we don’t get offended – we just say “Nope – it’s just us!”

    I hope you are able to share your guilty feelings with your husband so he can be a part of it with you. There’s no magic switch to turn off guilt – but I always try to identify WHY exactly I feel guilt (or whatever feeling I’m struggling with). Sometimes, just identifying the root of the problem helps me let it go. Other times, it’s still a battle, but at least I can try to apply some reason to the wacky world of emotions.

    • Liz: thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own journey. I love how each woman and her story is different, yet we can care and come alongside one another no matter the circumstances.

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