My first pregnancy was easy. I had no clue what morning sickness felt like. All was going perfectly as any new mama hopes for. For 10 years we had been planning to have a large family. Our dreams were just beginning.
Until I went into labor at 28 weeks.
I knew the signs of early labor, but none of those signs were happening to me.
Then it happened: my daughter was born exactly two full months early. Alongside all that was going on with her, I was hospitalized for a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis/i.e. blood clot). Her life in the NICU and mine in the ICU were a blur.
The next five years were filled with many things:
Anger. Grief. Loss.
Questions. Wondering why.
Feelings of failure and inadequacy.
Anxiety. Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Statistics. Research.
Specialists. Opinions. Diagnoses.
Wondering “what if.” Leaning toward adoption one day and longing to beat the odds the next.
Thankfully, God’s plan outweighed the stats and we’re expecting!
Although, this round is nothing like the first. Extreme all-day sickness. Fainting. Struggling through each day. Missing out on life with the Big Sister.
Well, and we’re officially labeled now. High Risk. You might know what that feels like?
Here’s how I’m choosing to embrace my high-risk pregnancy in hopes that it will encourage someone else out there:
Accept Reality & Adapt Your Dreams
Long ago, my utmost desire was for a quiet, dreamy birth at home. Now, I just pray I don’t miscarry and can carry this baby to term.
Doesn’t every pregnant mama dream of a perfect pregnancy, labor, and delivery? Considering the fact that millions of women have babies each year, it shouldn’t be so complicated to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and go through labor, right? Yet so many of us battle that reality daily.
This is the path laid out for me, and I must accept that. I must modify my dreams and wishes to embrace the gravity and reality of the situation. I must navigate a different course and attempt to make the best of the cards I’ve been dealt.
Process the Past & Move Towards Healing
There was so much pain and trauma surrounding my baby girl’s birth and the events thereafter. It forever changed me as a person, as a wife, and as a mother.
Through a strong support system, counseling, and many prayers, I have worked to heal, yet the scars remain.
Thinking of what is ahead stirs up that trauma pot once again and my human nature wants me to go back. To doubt. To fear. To expect the worse. To let every new feeling or symptom I experience overtake me mentally and emotionally.
But I refuse to succumb to those emotions and go down that path. Moving towards healing with hope has to be my only direction.
Don’t Let the Label Define Your Path
“High-Risk” encapsulates a myriad of different things. You might be a VBAC. Pregnant with multiples. Recurrent miscarriages. Years of infertility. There are so many labels that define us in our lives. Yet I wish they didn’t define us during one of the most delicate times, too.
The stats say I’m 85 percent likely to miscarry. The stats say I should expect pre-term labor again. The stats say I should expect a recurrent blood clot and a half dead placenta like last time. The stats… the stats….
This “high-risk” label doesn’t define us, friends. God has a plan far greater than those stats and numbers. He is ultimately in control and I just have to trust in that. To defy those odds and pray the labeled mama next to me does, too.
Choose a Care Team You Trust & Know Your Options
Having a baby introduces new terms, physical conditions, and ideologies that are far too much to navigate for any mama on a good day. Yet “High-Risk” means a slew of extra things. Double appointments. Specialists plus regular OBs. For me, that means shots twice daily, another round weekly, and navigating a medical world and procedures I never wanted to face.
Finding a care team that you trust is paramount whether you’re high-risk or not! And like any expecting mama, you need to know your Rights. Be prepared to challenge procedures. Research. Expect answers and request another route if that procedure or desired outcome doesn’t feel right to you. Find a provider you can trust and one who respects you. Choose what is right for your body. Your family. Your future.
Place Hope above All
I don’t know your story, what you have gone through, or what you’re experiencing right now. But I want you to know there’s a God in heaven who loves you and cares for you and promises to walk alongside you whatever your journey is.
While we don’t always understand His plan, He already has it laid out for us and we must hope expectantly in that. If you don’t think you can believe that, ask around and listen to the amazing stories of healing, miracles, and hope that have, and are continuing to happen, in the lives of those around you. My sweet three-pound preemie is living proof that miracles happen, and as we celebrate her fifth birthday today, I share this hope with you.
Please don’t forget that He’s also placed a community of amazing women in our lives to surround us and encourage us. Invite that in. Give someone the chance to walk alongside you to experience those little blessings that are hidden among the pain.
Beautiful story Sarah! I had no idea that you were a premie mommy! As a nicu nurse for 12 years, I know the struggles all too well for nicu parents. Also, I went into preterm labor at 22 weeks with my oldest. After 16 weeks of strict bed rest I delivered a healthy little guy! It is so scary to face the unknown! However, my next 2 pregnancies were less “exciting” contractions here and there, only decreased hours at work and healthy full term deliveries! I will be praying for you! For a healthy pregnancy, delivery and baby! Trust in God’s plan!
hi sweet Jill! so thankful for your story and all you do to care for our little ones in the NICU! mamas find so much refuge in “that nurse” that we trust to care for our little one and you are just that!
Sarah, that is so beautifully written! We recently went through a procedure that was supposed to “fix me”, in order to have much higher chances at conceiving. It failed and I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never carry my own child. Yes, I have Levi and Nathaniel and would NEVER change that. I have two little girls we are waiting on over in DRC, Africa. Yet, there is this stigma when it comes to pregnancy… or not ever having “your own”. I am praying for you and that this pregnancy is touched by the Hand of the Almighty, Healing Father. May He continue to wrap His arms around you and give the peace that only comes from Him. Only Jesus! Prayers, girl. God’s got it!
praying for you too, sarah! and great to hear from you! we miss you up here! you are an amazing mama to those kiddos and soon-to-be girls and physical birth or not, you are the perfect mama God chose for them!! keep us posted on the progress of the girls and keep up that hope! God knows our hearts and makes the impossible possible!
Sarah….this was BEAUTIFUL. Your hurt, your pain, your trials, your empathy can make all the difference in someone else’s life. You are so brave to share. God is good!
you’re sweet Nikki! thanks for the words and most of all for following us! we love having you!
Sarah,
Thanks for sharing this heartfelt amazing story of hope! Congratulations on this new life God has given you. I will pray for His hands to bless each and every moment and that you would have all things you need…..strength, peace, courage, rest, etc. Hugs to you from me!
I am so thankful a friend shared a link to your piece. After my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I lost my second pregnancy at 20 weeks, my doctors told me I was high-risk. They told me all of my pregnancies could end in premature labor. They told me I would need to see a specialist. For a young woman with dreams of a family those were hard words to hear. But my husband and I were determined. We moved closer to a specialist and a major hospital. With my next pregnancy I had a cerclage, ultrasounds were weekly, and I was on bed rest for 14 weeks. And, in the end we had a healthy full-term baby girl. That was six years ago. Now I have four children. I was labeled as high-risk for all of the pregnancies and had to have cerclage surgeries for them all, but I consider those as small prices to pay. Being high-risk takes away some of the freedoms “normal” women have in regards to prenatal care, birthing location, medical providers, activities, and travel, but when handled correctly, high-risk just becomes the new normal. Thank you again for your post–I wish I had read it seven years ago.
Rhea thanks for sharing your story and so thankful for your 4 babies! I do need to embrace the “new normal” and realize that those restrictions and daily shots, things I can’t do or attempt merely mean that i am blessed to be carrying a babe and restrictions are simply a minor thing in the scheme of it all! thanks for the encouragement and hope!
Hi, I just wanted to share that immediately AFTER the birth of my first daughter I experienced some rare and serious complications that landed me in the ICU for 3 days, during which time my kidney and liver functions were, well, barely functioning. I was lucky to be in a major medical research hospital where I could be treated and stabilized fairly quickly. I was diagnosed with “acute fatty liver of pregnancy.” I spent a total of about 8 days in the hospital, during which time I barely saw my newborn daughter (who was born healthy, and is now a thriving 7 year old). It was definitely a blur. When we were considering a second pregnancy, we met with the high-risk MFM docs to learn about how likely this was to happen again, and given the low odds, decided to go for it. My second pregnancy had no complications, and my son is now a 4 year old wild child. I am now at week 32 of pregnancy #3 and have my fingers crossed for the best outcome. Some early lab work indicated that my liver function was a little outside normal range, which caused some great anxiety as the real possibility of a repeat of AFLP could happen. However, that has since been resolved, thankfully, and we are moving forward optimistically, and with some extra monitoring. I realize my experience was not as serious as your or some others who will post here, but I think whenever you experience unusual complications in your pregnancy, it is so scary, as is the thought of additional pregnancies and labors. You have to have a lot of faith to do it again, and again. Yet we do…but I think this will be it for us! thanks, and peace.
Theresa – checking in to see how you are doing! been praying for your family!
Sarah,
Your story brought tears to eyes, I too am pregnant with my second child and am high risk. My pregnancy the first time wasnt the easiest but I embraced it. I had severe swelling from 25 or so weeks on. My dr kept reassuring me everything was ok despite the swelling as my blood pressure and protien levels were fine. Well at 37 weeks I was induced due to high protein levels and the swelling. I gave birth to a beautiful seven pound little girl and everything seemed ok. But not even fove minutes after the doctor left the delivery room I had a seizure and my blood pressure went crazy. My dreams of nursing and skin to skin contact went down the drain. My daughter was whisked out of the room and I lay there not quite awake but not asleep as i was hooked up to more machines and given a magnesium drip to help regulate my blood pressure. Twenty four hours later they thought thing were ok and i was able to hold my baby, shower and try to enjoy our new baby. We were discharged normally and twenty four hours later I was back at th e.r. with blood pressure 210/170 and admitted to the icu for two dats while my baby was at home. It was a horrible dark time at what should have been one of the happiest. I am high risk but have been doing alright this time, blood pressure has remained low but at 14 weeks I am already swelling but it goes down over night so far. But its scary and is big reminder to me of the path we have in front of us. Your story gives me hope! I will pray for you and your baby, as well as your family during this tough time. And I too have had terrible.morning sickness this time like I never had with my daughter and heartburn. It helps remind me every pregnancy is different and gives me hope this time might be different in other ways too.
Pamela I realize this was written in 2015 but wanted to hear how the remainder of your pregnancy went. I had my first at 33 weeks 6 years ago bc of high blood pressure, bad blood work, and protein in urine. It was an extremely scary time but God has blessed us with a second pregnancy. I’m currently 30 weeks and have been placed on strict bed rest for high bp and elevated protein but not over the limit. My fears and anxieties are beginning to take over. But hoping and praying for a different outcome.
Congratulations on your new miracle. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with triplets. At 17 weeks we were brought many scares of losing our three miracles. My cervix was almost gone and an emergency cerclage was placed. We are home bedrest and praying each day that we make it another week. God is so amazing and has blessed me with so many things. Struggling with infertility and finally giving birth to a healthy daughter was a dream come true. I never thought I would be put in a “high risk” category. I will do whatever it takes to get these babies here safe and healthy. I have been blessed with an amazing husband, job, and family that makes being on bedrest tolerable. The scares and worries are daily, but I know God’s plan with prevail. I am praying for an easier and enjoyable pregnancy for you!
just checking in with you Julie to see how you are doing? Been praying for you and your little triplets!