Becoming the Dad I Never Had

Father’s Day is coming up, and the dads are taking over! Stay tuned all week as we hear from several awesome local dads, and be blessed by these glimpses into the mind and heart of a father.

One of the greatest joys of my life is being a father to my daughter. I’m honored beyond words to have the chance to be the best dad I can be to my little princess.

Even before I received the title of “father,” I was afraid to become one. There are not too many things that I’m scared of (okay, maybe snakes and big hairy spiders… not a big fan), but the thought of being the loving, caring, godly role model my future child would need scared me to death.

You see, I didn’t have a dad growing up. So how could I be a dad when I didn’t have an example to show me what that looked like?

I was afraid I wouldn’t know what to do or say. I was afraid of failing my own child.

My dad left sometime in my early elementary years. Sure, I had friends who had dads I looked up to, but I wanted a dad who rocked. I didn’t have someone to coach my baseball games. Someone to pick me up when I fell off my bike. And I certainly didn’t have someone to show me how to be a dad.

I did, however, have amazing examples in my life. My mom worked very hard to provide for our family, and we were lucky to live with my grandmother. They taught me many things that I’m thankful for today: how to love, how to be selfless, how to care for our family and neighbors.

When I met Sarah over 17 years ago, I quickly became part of her family. Her dad was “that dad.” The one who was always there. The one who didn’t miss a game or a chance to hug his daughters. When we got married, my title wasn’t just “son-in-law” – I was their son. This was my first glimpse into what a father is. Her dad showed me that a father is someone who builds you up and encourages you. Someone who remains steadfast during trials. Someone who loves you unconditionally.

That is what God the Father showed me almost 10 years ago. Even after all my faults, sins, and lies, my Heavenly Father loved me no matter what I had done? Wow, what a powerful gift of grace. I hope I can display that same unconditional love that Jesus has for me so my daughter can grow up knowing what that looks like and feels like.

While there are many things I strive to be as her father, there are a few things that keep me focused:

Be active and present. Always.

To me, a good dad is one who is active and present in the lives of his children.

I’m sure in 15 years she’s not going to remember that I was a great CPA or that I was really good with taxes. But I hope she will remember the time we share at the movies, on ice cream dates, or doing wheelbarrow races around the living room floor.

That was probably the hardest part about going through life without a dad. I never got to experience those daily things with him. I missed the laughter. The tears. The memories we could have made. I have the opportunity to be Clare’s role model and to play a significant part in shaping her life. I want to be there for her, be present in her life, and have those experiences together.

Show them what you value.

To me, a good dad is someone who makes tough, sacrificial decisions to show his children what is important to him.

One of the most important traits I learned early in life from my grandma and mom was integrity. I know that as my daughter grows up, there will be various times in her life when she will be faced with tough decisions. Decisions I hope I will have an influence on even though I’m not there with her. I want her to remember that I made the right choices for our family when times were tough. I want her to remember that being honest and humble is better than stretching the truth and seeking self. I want her to experience that I choose her and her mother before anything else in the world. Yes, even over my work, my to-do list, or a night out at the ball field.

Honor their mother.

To me, a good dad is someone who is passionate and loves the mother of his children with all his heart.

Someday, my little girl will hopefully marry her young prince. It will be hard enough giving her up as I walk her down the aisle. But if I show her what true, sacrificial love is by loving her mom, I am hopeful that she will pick a man who will do the same to her. I want my daughter to see what a true, loving marriage looks like. I want her to find security and hope in that example.

Mothers are amazing. They have the hardest job in the world. As her father, I believe I need to love and support my wife so she can be the best mom she can be to our daughter.

Forgive with all your heart.

I had the chance to reconnect with my dad several years before my daughter was born. He sent a letter in the mail that I will never forget. I remember crying for hours and being angry and feeling cheated of a childhood that I never had. But after the hurt, I felt relief. I felt loved again. So we arranged to meet and he asked for a second chance.

I don’t remember ever having butterflies in my stomach like I did that day. I don’t really remember all that was said or even what we talked about, but I know that when my dad reached across the table with his hands stretched out, he was sincere and genuine. He was sorry. He truly wanted me in his life again. I knew if I forgave him, I could experience what a father is in the years ahead. And so I did what every child would do. I loved him unconditionally and forgave him.

Since that time, my dad has been an active part of our lives, and I’ve further developed my definition of a father.

Whatever your definition of a father is, embrace it. Be it. And moms, if you’re married to “that dad,” tell him you notice. Thank him. And be honored to be his wife.

Meet Guest Blogger David Farnsworth

Dave is the husband of DMMB’s Co-Founder, Sarah. They have been married 14 years and love life with their daughter, Clare (4).

Dave’s hobbies include golf, hiking, and volunteering with several local non-profit organizations. Dave is a partner with McGowen, Hurst, Clark & Smith, P.C. in West Des Moines. He is involved in First Family Church and 100 Men on A Mission, and also serves on several boards including West Des Moines Community Schools Foundation, West Des Moines Leadership Academy, and others.